We are in a new time, or at least on the fringe of it. What I believe is required to fully realize our wholeness, both individually and as a species on this precious planet are transparency, vulnerability and trust.
What I write in these blogs is meant to elicit greater awareness, both in myself because I am willing to risk judgment and alienation, and on behalf of the collective because I know this is more than my personal story. The truth is that judgment and alienation are rampant, as are delusion and denial. In the biofeedback work I do with clients, delusion is often in the mix of what is blocking their energy. This one throws people, particularly those who pride themselves on having a good grasp on their reality and willfully manifesting what they desire. I believe that in many cases, if not most, the ingredients for the cake have already been combined and baked and the territory that we are working in to express our free will for choice-making only has to do with what icing we are putting on the cake. As cellular biologist, Bruce Lipton, points out in his book Spontaneous Evolution, 95% of what dictates how we are functioning (physically, mentally, emotionally) is in what he refers to as the hard wiring that got set into place by about age 7. Our area of conscious influence only comes into play in the remaining 5%. We can get to that hard wiring and reprogram it, but it requires a lot of conscious presence and an understanding of how to dialogue with the habitual stories that constantly run below the radar unnoticed until we start paying attention.
At first, writing about my home spa vacation was exciting because it had been so long since I was in a position to create my own space in just the way I wanted it. I love having a quiet sanctuary to retreat to and the ability to really nurture myself. Taking care of myself so that I continue to enjoy good health is a good thing, if that’s all that it is about. If it becomes an obsession with staying young and desirable, that’s another conversation. I have also come to identify with myself as being a loner, and yet I know that the most important work I have to do in this life has to do with learning to be in relationship with others—in a highly conscious way. Learning to be self-sufficient and to not “need” anyone was a knee-jerk reaction to being incredibly tender and grasping for survival mechanisms in a world that is often disappointing. The irony is that I have perfected self-care and self-love in ways that are truly positive, and yet my resistance to admitting that the love of another gives my life stability has left an empty space within that no amount of home spa nurturing can satiate. I think having “another” in my life can even be met with an animal companion. Perhaps this hole is more noticeable to me now because my beautiful cat companion of 18 years left my life recently.
Maybe if I fully realize my innate awakeness someday this will all be a mute point, but somehow I feel that denial of any part of my humanness keeps me running on the wheel in the cage. If I really am honest with myself, I’ve set up an insane dichotomy between perfecting self-love and self-sufficiency (which for me still has elements of being a misguided attempt at not needing anyone else), and doing all of the things I perceive will enhance my desirability so that I can attract “the right person” into my life.
I am old enough to not really have delusions about a fairy-tale romance where I live happily ever after with Prince Charming. I also know the immense benefits of partnering with someone who has done a lot of their own work and who can compassionately team up with me for discovering our blind spots in order to contribute to rewriting the collective story—not to mention just to have a lot of fun!
The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.
~ Pearl S. Buck
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I recently looked honestly at why I reject the idea of an intimate relationship. I have gone through a phase of intense independence and feel I can lean on another and be leaned on, but what I haven't been able to relax with is tolerance. I find I eventually become so irritated and annoyed by another's idiocyncracies I simply prefer my own company. I'd like to be able to accept the differences gracefully and uncharged emotionally. Any ideas?
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Savanah,
ReplyDeleteMostly I would say to not think of it as a partneship you have to commit to, but rather meet that person each day, for as long as you both choose to, with the same presence and love you bring to the folks you describe being of service to.
There are so many definitions that have limited us, i.e., that intimate relationship is only equated with sexual partnership that you have to decide on for the long-term. What you describe in your comment on "Random Thoughts" is a state of satisfaction with what is, and an availability to move, drawn only by what love is called to.
Perhaps the "need" for one kind of intimacy, as so many experience it, would fall away if there were more time given to real connecting. This is why I loved the story I posted about the 4-year-old who sat in the lap of the elderly neighbor who had recently lost his wife to help him grieve. Just being available and present to meet another heart in the fullness of their humanity stands out as an exceptional experience. What if it were the norm?
In my own experience, I have many friendships with people I love and appreciate, and yet most of them aren't that available in my day to day experience. It can take weeks to arrange getting together and usually it has to be for a specified event, or to chat by phone. Maybe it's just me, but I always have the sense that I don't want to spoil those times with things that might be troubling my heart. I'm not looking for people to do therapy with me or fix something, but simply to sit next to me and maybe wrap their arms around me when they sense that I could use it. This requires slowing down enough and genuinely being available to serve, as you say. If there were more of that in my life I don't think I would get to the point where I felt like I would break without some real human tenderness. To be honest there is a part of me that resents that I have to get to this point before people get that I really need their support. I don't want relationships where people are most avalable when I just can't handle something anymore and I feel dysfunctional.
I thank you so much for your reminder that the best way to create this shift in reality is to "be the change I want to see in the world."
As often happens, I had a similar realization this morning when I woke up and then your words affirmed it.
Much appreciation,
Dawn